Impression: Assassin’s Creed III

Assassin's Creed III: a man standing on the tip of a church tower
You can climb a church tower and still appear as if your are trying really hard to look cool.

To build your mountain of shame you cannot solely rely on bundle purchases and the forgetfulness of the elderly. You have to use any means necessary to pile up that shameful heap of untouched games. Let me introduce you to another effective way to add to your suffering, to increase the soul crushing guilt, to have your hopes and dreams violently ripped from your tiny game loving heart: free giveaways! To celebrate its 30th birthday and the 300th iteration of the same open-world game since 1947, Ubisoft gave away a bunch of games. Guess who showed up just in time like a fat monkey demanding its banana. It’s a game you don’t care for, you wouldn’t buy it on a 99% Steam sale, but yet as soon as they dangle that banana in front of your face, your monkey brain goes tilt and you click that download button like the entitled feeling primate that you are.

Assassin's Creed III: a man wearing a purse
Everybody’s favorite man purse is back!

Now, I know I said I’d skip the third part of Ubisofts murder simulator, but I thought it was time to teach myself a lesson. Why should I escape punishment just because I didn’t pay for the game? If you get a chance to be miserable, take it! If you are happy, you’ll only get disappointed at some point by someone. You really don’t want to take that risk. Stay in your apartment and fire up that next Ubisoft game you already feel bored by before you even get to see the title screen. More information about my guide on living a safe but somewhat depressing life will follow.

Let me say this: yes, the Ass Creeds are obviously not for me, and that’s why playing (a bit) of the game anyway probably makes me some kind of a hero. About the game: It’s the same stupid science fiction premise, the same guy shaped after a Canadian (super?) model. We will just pretend it’s not there. Done. Much better. I really liked the introduction level. Climbing through an opera house, while there is an actual opera going on felt great. ‘Assassin’s Creed III’ really shows off its AAA muscles here. Every thing looks detailed and was obviously crafted with great care. I also liked the journey to the Americas quite a bit. I nearly joined in their silly sea shantys. The looks and sounds of the ship were really well done. I love it when a game manages to make me feel like I get a real glimpse of days past. Good job, you always want to have a strong start. Note: I really enjoy ‘Assassin’s Creed’ when it tells a simple story and keeps you in tight confined spaces – ha!

Assassin's Creed III: a buttless horse
No more looking into horses. The poor beasts are all closed up.

I also like Hathaway, who is an arrogant Templar grandmaster or something (he kills people better than others). You play as him much too long in one of the most extensive game tutorials I can remember. ‘Assassin’s Creed III’ keeps its main game and open world jealously away from you for quite some time. I kept playing on anyway because, while being mildly intrigued by the story (Hathaway wants to show his talisman to a native American woman in hope that she might show him her temple in return – very subtle), I was for some reason, fascinated by the view 1700 something Boston and its surroundings. It worked much better for me than 1500 something Renaissance Rome with a silly Italian accent.

Assassin's Creed III: a sailing ship in a stormy sea
This actually looks pretty impressive.

Eventually Hathaway’s story ends and you get to play as his son and – I’m so bored right now. You play as his little son, and after that as his teenage son, and still it doesn’t feel like the game really started and I am trapped in this endless prologue of hell, knowing that all I will get as a reward is more climbing stuff and sticking sharp things into people. You also get pistols and rifles, but the controls make them feel very awkward to handle. The controls feel pretty awkward in general. A problem I encountered in any Ass Creed I played is that the controls are surprisingly imprecise. I don’t know how often my ninja-like stealthiness got ruined by my guy not jumping into the bushes for cover, but instead grabbing some windowsill at shoulder height from which he helplessly hangs as a surprised guard is slowly taking aim with his musket. The controller felt a bit better than the silly keyboard/mouse controls but not by much.

I wonder if I would have enjoyed the Assassin’s Creeds more if I had played (and finished) them all in chronological order, or if I hadn’t played through an actual good open world game recently. I think it is safe to assume that I will never find out. Well, there’s still one left. I’m sure it will be a completely different experience.

Assassin's Creed III: a burning village
Yeah, it’s that story…

Info: ‘Assassin’s Creed III’ was developed by Ubisoft Montreal and released in 2012. Right now, Ubisoft is selling the whole series for a meager 285,17€.  That’s 10% off the regular price! This is no joke, they really sell it for that price. Excluding the newest entry of course. I guess if I had spent that amount of money I would at least feel the obligation to try lying to myself about enjoying the game.

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